So, you want to dominate Tekken 7, eh? Well, welcome to this absurdly funny guide that will teach you everything you need to know about becoming a Tekken master. You’ll learn important stuff like button mashing, taunting, and how to pretend you’re doing combos when, in reality, you’re just trying not to get punched in the face. Let’s dive in! 1. Pick a Character That Looks Cool (That’s Half the Battle) First things first: pick a character. Now, you might be thinking, “I should pick a character based on their moveset or fighting style!” But let me stop you right there. This is Tekken, not a math exam. The first rule is to pick someone who looks awesome. If you look cool, you’ll feel cool, and if you feel cool, you might trick your opponent into thinking you know what you’re doing. Kazuya: If you like leather pants and lasers. King: For those who wish they were a jaguar wrestler. Panda: If your life’s ambition is to humiliate people as a big, cute bear. Bob: For when you want your opponent to underestimate you. He's fast, big, and surprisingly agile—like a ninja with a dad bod. Pro Tip: If you’re playing online, choose a character with the most outlandish costume possible. Bonus points for sunglasses indoors or panda suits. The distraction factor is key! 2. Button Mashing: The Art of Pretending You Know Combos Forget studying frame data and practicing combos for hours. Tekken is all about button mashing like you’ve never button mashed before. Push buttons with the fury of someone who just realized they ordered the wrong meal at a restaurant. Here’s the strategy: 1. Panic. Once the round starts, your instinct will tell you to move around and think. Don’t do that. Just start slamming every button at once like you’re trying to type an angry tweet. 2. Occasionally Jump. If your opponent starts landing hits on you, just jump straight into the air. You may look ridiculous, but your opponent won’t know what’s going on, and that’s a win. 3. Random Moves Are Key. Every now and then, you might accidentally pull off a combo. When this happens, pretend you did it on purpose. Maybe even talk trash like, “Oh, you didn’t know about that one, huh?” 3. Tekken Physics: Why Gravity Doesn’t Matter Tekken 7 operates in a world where physics don’t matter. Kazuya can throw a guy twice his size, and Panda can somersault through the air like a ballerina. Use this to your advantage by ignoring all logic and reason. Juggling: If you manage to knock your opponent into the air, don’t stop there. Keep hitting them like you’re playing hacky sack with their body. This is called "juggling," and it makes you feel powerful—like you're the circus master of chaos. Sidestepping: In real life, stepping sideways doesn’t make you immune to getting punched in the face. In Tekken, however, sidestepping can cause your opponent to miss entirely and question their life choices. Abuse this feature until your opponent rage quits. 4. Taunting: Psychological Warfare Taunting is an essential part of Tekken 7. If you’re losing, just stop and taunt. Sure, you’ll probably get punched in the face mid-taunt, but that’s the price of psychological warfare. The goal is to get inside your opponent’s head. The Best Taunts: Dance Like a Fool: Choose characters like Eddie or Lucky Chloe and dance like you’re in a Tekken music video. You won’t win, but you’ll look fabulous. The Laugh Taunt: Some characters laugh mid-fight. Use it, and your opponent might get so angry they’ll make a mistake. Or just laugh with you, creating a beautiful moment of absurdity in this world of punches. 5. Memorize One Move and Spam It Every character has one move that’s overpowered or just plain annoying. Find that move, memorize it, and spam it until your opponent regrets ever turning on the game. Law’s Flip Kick: Is it fair? No. Is it annoying? Yes. Do it anyway. Hwoarang’s Kicks: He has more kicks than the Rockette dancers. Just keep kicking, and eventually, something good will happen. Paul’s Deathfist: This punch is so strong it can send opponents to an alternate dimension. Spam this like you're handing out candy on Halloween. Pro Tip: If your opponent calls you out for being “cheap,” just say, “It’s called strategy, bro.” 6. Rage Art: Your Last-Ditch Effort to Look Cool When your health bar is dangerously low, you’ll unlock the ability to use your Rage Art. This is basically Tekken’s way of giving you a final Hail Mary chance to turn the tables. Here’s how you execute it: 1. Mash buttons again until something happens. 2. Watch in awe as your character performs a dramatic, slow-motion super attack, complete with cinematic flair. 3. If it hits, act like it was all part of your plan. If it misses, laugh awkwardly and say, “I didn’t even want to use it.” Pro Tip: Use Rage Arts at every opportunity. They’re flashy, unnecessary, and the equivalent of flipping the table in a losing board game. Even if you lose, you’ll go down in style. 7. Story Mode: When You Want to Pretend You’re Watching an Action Movie Tekken 7’s story mode is like an absurd soap opera mixed with an action movie. Think Fast and Furious, but with more punching and fewer coherent plot points. Do you care why Heihachi threw Kazuya off a cliff? Of course not! But you’ll play along anyway because it’s fun to watch. Just remember: Heihachi is Always Up to Something: It’s safe to assume he’s trying to kill someone. Probably Kazuya. Or Jin. Or both. Family drama. Everyone Has Daddy Issues: Tekken’s entire plot revolves around intense father-son issues. Use this knowledge to laugh during cutscenes and then mash buttons to skip them because you’re really just here to fight. 8. Online Mode: Where Dreams Are Crushed If you ever start feeling confident about your skills, head into Online Mode to be humbled immediately. Online is where Tekken gods live, and your button-mashing strategy will probably get you destroyed in under 30 seconds. Here’s how to survive: Lag Blame: If you lose, immediately blame the lag. Say something like, “My internet was acting up,” even if your connection is fine. Fight Fire with Randomness: While your opponent is expertly calculating frames, you’re going to want to remain completely random. No strategy. Pure chaos. They won’t see it coming. Exit Gracefully: When the beatdown is too much, just say, “GG,” leave, and go eat a snack. Snacks help ease the pain. 9. Customization: Because Fashion is the Real Endgame Tekken 7 allows you to customize your character’s appearance, which is, frankly, the best part of the game. Forget learning combos and honing your skills. Spend all your time unlocking ridiculous hats, sunglasses, and shiny pants. Dress as Ridiculously as Possible: Make sure your character looks like they’re headed to a rave or a circus. You’ll demoralize your opponent by looking utterly fabulous. Giant Swords and Panda Suits: Yes, you can give your character oversized accessories and animal suits. This will intimidate your opponent, or at least confuse them. 10. Practice? Who Needs It? Everyone says “practice makes perfect,” but in Tekken, it’s more like “practice makes slightly less button-mashy.” Honestly, practice mode is optional unless you really care about improving (but where’s the fun in that?). Conclusion: The Key to Winning Tekken is... Luck and Laughter Tekken 7 is a game of skill, strategy, and occasionally sheer luck. But mostly, it’s about laughing when you accidentally juggle someone into the stratosphere or watching a panda beat up a cyborg. So go out there, pick your most ridiculous character, and remember: if all else fails, button mash and blame the lag. Good luck, fighter! You’re going to need it.