Welcome, Commander! In XCOM 2, you’re the last line of defense against alien overlords who have taken over Earth. But don’t worry—it’s not as bleak as it sounds! You’ll command a ragtag squad of soldiers, fail spectacularly at 90% of your plans, and occasionally yell “How did you miss?!” at your screen. This guide will help you laugh your way through the chaos, one panicked rookie at a time. Chapter 1: Welcome to the Resistance Who Are You? You’re the Commander, a tactical genius who was apparently snoozing in an alien pod while humanity got conquered. But no pressure—your job now is to win Earth back one alien-filled mission at a time. Your responsibilities include: 1. Managing resources. 2. Keeping soldiers alive (or at least pretending to try). 3. Screaming at RNG. Your Tools of the Trade: The Avenger: Your mobile headquarters, because nothing screams “underdog” like an alien spaceship-turned-resistance base. Soldiers: Poor souls you send into battle, knowing full well they might die because a Sectoid got a lucky shot. Technology: Steal alien tech, research cool gadgets, and then marvel at how your squad still manages to miss 95% of the time. Chapter 2: Meet Your Enemies (and Learn to Hate Them) The aliens in XCOM 2 are a colorful cast of jerks, and they’re here to ruin your day. Let’s break them down: 1. ADVENT Troopers Grunts with terrible aim (like your rookies). Treat them as free target practice unless they’re swarming you. 2. Sectoids Creepy psychic aliens that resurrect dead soldiers. They’re the reason you keep screaming, “Stay dead!” 3. Vipers Snake-like enemies that can pull soldiers in with their tongues. They’re either terrifying or hilarious, depending on your sense of humor. 4. Chryssalids Bug-like nightmares that spawn more nightmares. They’re the reason you fear sandy beaches. 5. Berserkers Giant rage monsters who punch first and ask questions never. Pro tip: Use explosives. Lots of them. 6. The Chosen (War of the Chosen DLC) Smug alien bosses who taunt you mid-mission. Their dialogue will annoy you almost as much as their ability to one-shot your squad. Chapter 3: Building Your Dream Squad Your soldiers come in four main flavors, with each class bringing unique skills (and comic relief). Let’s break them down: 1. Rangers These knife-wielding maniacs can either go stealth or charge into battle like lunatics. Nothing says “subtle” like slicing an alien in half. 2. Grenadiers They have big guns and even bigger explosives. Their motto? “If in doubt, blow it up.” 3. Specialists Support troops armed with healing drones or hacking skills. They’re the unsung heroes who keep your squad alive—or try to. 4. Sharpshooters Long-range snipers who miss 50% of their shots despite being “highly trained.” Still, they’re great for one thing: looking cool on Overwatch. Chapter 4: Surviving Your First Missions Mission 1: “Everyone Misses” Simulator Your first few missions will be filled with chaos and laughter as your rookies fumble to hit a stationary ADVENT trooper from five feet away. Pro tip: Flank enemies to improve accuracy. Or just throw a grenade and call it a day. Mission 2: Operation “Don’t Panic” By now, you’ll encounter your first Sectoid. Don’t panic when it mind-controls your favorite soldier. Panic when it resurrects their best friend. Mission 3: Base Defense At some point, aliens will attack your base. Defending it is a lot like Thanksgiving dinner—loud, chaotic, and someone’s bound to storm off. Chapter 5: The Joy of RNG (Random Number Generator) In XCOM 2, RNG is your greatest enemy. Here’s how to cope: Why Do I Keep Missing?! A soldier with a 95% chance to hit will miss more often than statistically possible. Meanwhile, a Sectoid with a 5% chance will headshot your squad leader. It’s science. The Overwatch Gamble Putting soldiers on Overwatch sounds smart—until they all miss a single alien sprinting through their field of fire. Critical Hits: The Universe Laughs at You Your critical shots will deal 1 damage when you need 10. Enemy critical shots will obliterate your best soldier because karma exists. Chapter 6: Advanced Tactics for Questionable Success 1. Use Cover (and Then Watch It Explode) Half-cover gives you some protection. Full-cover is better but not foolproof—aliens love blowing it up with grenades. 2. Grenades Fix Everything Can’t hit a target? Grenade. Too many enemies? Grenade. Need a door opened? You guessed it—grenade. 3. Sacrificial Rookies New recruits are perfect for drawing enemy fire. Just don’t name them after your friends or family unless you enjoy guilt. 4. Save Scumming Save before every action. Reload every time RNG betrays you. Real commanders call it “strategy.” Chapter 7: War of the Chosen Madness If you’re playing War of the Chosen, things get even more ridiculous: The Lost: Zombie swarms that attack everyone, including aliens. They’re both a blessing and a curse—like an unpredictable party guest. The Chosen: These alien bosses will show up uninvited, taunt you, and then kill half your squad. Treat them like office managers during budget cuts. Chapter 8: Customizing Soldiers (for Maximum Comedy) One of the best parts of XCOM 2 is the customization. Here’s how to make it hilarious: Names: Name soldiers after celebrities or friends. Nothing’s funnier than watching “Chuck Norris” panic and run away from a Sectoid. Appearance: Give them ridiculous hats, neon hair, and mismatched armor. If they’re going to die, at least they’ll look fabulous. Chapter 9: The Inevitable Downfall At some point, you’ll fail a mission so catastrophically that your entire squad wipes. Don’t despair! This is part of the XCOM experience. Laugh at the absurdity, mourn your fallen soldiers, and start planning your revenge. Final Chapter: The Moral of the Story XCOM 2 isn’t just a game—it’s a lesson in chaos, perseverance, and how to make terrible decisions under pressure. Sure, you’ll lose half your squad, blow up cover accidentally, and scream at RNG, but you’ll also laugh, cheer, and feel like a tactical genius when things go right. So, go forth, Commander! Embrace the absurdity, send in the rookies, and remember: “Failure is just another step toward eventual success… or total annihilation.”